Just A Check In

Stats:

Height 5"4'
Weight 146.0 (-3.0)

BMI 25.1 (-.5, Overweight - just barely)
Dress Size: 10/12

Bust  33 in

Waist 31 in (-1)

Hips 38 in (-1)

Ironically the changes were positive even though (for the very first time this whole year) I logged in absolutely no exercise.  I also didn't have any kind of healthy eating or count calories either.  I think the only reason my numbers went down is because I found out some upsetting news at work on Friday and for the next couple of days I was too depressed to eat more than the "bare minimum".

But this week I feel "back in the saddle" and got back into my regular routine this morning (might as well take advantage of these lower numbers and see if I can push them further and get back on track)!  The last two weeks have been filled with countless summer parties and home projects.  I think things are starting to settle down now.

Periods. They Matter, Apparently.

Stats:

Height 5"4'
Weight 149.0 (+2.4)

BMI 25.6 (+.4, Overweight)
Dress Size: 10/12

Bust  33 in

Waist 32 in (+1)

Hips 39 in (+1)

Well... I knew it would be a bad week because we had four, count 'em, FOUR parties/events to attend.  Also I had a birthday too.  No cake, but I do know I made up for it with many other vices.  I still kept to exercising.  Every single day I *started* counting calories, but by dinnertime when it became obvious I would go over I just kind of gave up.

Sunday mornings are my weigh ins, and of course I weighed in to discover I had just gone up all around.  But even after the sobering fact I still couldn't find the strength to fight the appetite I suddenly had that could easily rival somene doing bath salts.  Seriously I wanted to eat anything that didn't eat me first... and it wasn't over depression or upset about my weight gain.  It was just there.  What I was really just dying for all day was American cheese and chocolate.  It made no sense... it was like being pregnant all over again.  I also shamefully spent the majority of Father's Day screaming like an old harpy at my husband simply because he was just... annoying!  And then Sunday evening... bam!  Aunt Flo shows up for a visit.  Oh...

I always read on weight loss blogs about periods coming along to muck up the usual progress and I always thought to myself, "Do they really matter that much?"  Yes.  They do.  And not just because it really could be water weight gain putting that extra inch on the hips and waist.  I mean... come on... American cheese and chocolate?

Since I've had my tubes tied I've stopped keeping track of Flo's visits.  Well, I'm going to have to start again so that I know what I will be dealing with.

"Eat Your School" - A Check In

Stats:

Height 5"4'
Weight 146.6 (-0.3)

BMI 25.2 (Overweight...by 1 pound...Doh!)
Dress Size: 10/12

Bust  33 in

Waist 31 in (-1)

Hips 38 in

Despite the slight loss and getting my waist back to its "mostly normal" measurement of 31, last week was kind of rough.  I made a pretty good effort to exercise my butt off but I also couldn't seem to control the urge to eat anything that didn't eat me first.  I put this cute-sy little picture above on this post because that is about how my logic feels lately.  Like I really would "eat a school", like I'm somehow using food as a drug again ('cause I certainly am), and I definitely have slacked off on the veggies!  It's like I've almost given myself back over to the addiction and I've been struggling with that for two months now.

And since the start of this week that has not improved.  I seem to have no control at all again and I'm not sure if I need another silly contest to motivate me, deep spiritual work, or... what?  I've been seriously practicing the whole "lifestyle change" for 6 months now.  In that time I've lost 15-19 pounds (I've been fluctuating up and down those last four pounds in these last two months).  A select few people I've heard about started this around the same time I did and they've lost about 40 pounds or so while I've been stuck.  Part of this is that I've been dealing with a crisis involving ugly court issues with my oldest child's father, but mostly its like I've just lost my motivation.  I don't know what to do just yet to get it back, but I do know I can't keep going this direction.

This week promises to be even more of a challenge.  I overate (beyond overate, actually) Sunday and Monday, and Wednesday is my birthday (which means a big dinner out and probably cake even though I have insisted on none).  What I especially seemed to be craving last week (and still am this week) was salt, salt, salt, and more salt.  I read recently if salt is what you crave then what your body is lacking is chloride and that you should eat stuff like goats milk, fish or unrefined sea salt.  I can't handle goat's milk and don't even know what unrefined sea salt is.  I do enjoy fish though, but it is almost never immediately available to me.  I wonder if cans of tuna would qualify?

Work In Process... Always

This morning I did my weekly weigh-in; I always do them on Sunday mornings.

Stats:

Height 5"4'
Weight 147.0
BMI 25.2 (Overweight)
Dress Size: 10/12

Bust  33 in

Waist 32 in

Hips 38 in

When I started this thing (6 months ago) I was steadily losing about a pound a week.  I was participating in a weight loss contest at work (that I won) but that ended mid-April.  Since then I haven't been staying steady at all.  I still lose weight, but then gain it back off and on every other week - so basically I am no longer losing but just maintaining.  Also I'd just barely gotten out of the "overweight" range, but (as you can see) all I have to do is put a couple pounds back on and I'm right back in it again.  I didn't think that silly contest was that big of a motivator but obviously it was.

But there's something else.  I've blogged recently (on my main blog) about an unfortunate issue in my past that has resurfaced (and that also happened around mid-April).  This issue has brought up a multitude of feelings repressed and hidden away for YEARS that I am now finally being forced to deal with.  And it hurts.  It hurts so very much.  I am dealing with this "death" all over again and right now it doesn't feel like I will ever find a way to heal my soul.  And my eating habits have been suffering.  I'm still exercising, and I'm still eating right too, but I'm having a lot more slip-ups with the eating.  I'm finding myself turning to cookies for comfort at times.  Not all the time... but the fact that it is happening at all is not good because #1 this is exactly how I dealt with this issue that has resurfaced back in the day (only with absolutely no control) and #2 I consider myself a food addict and anyone who is fighting addiction knows that (for example) one beer leads to, like... 15.

I don't know yet exactly how I'm supposed to heal from this pain of the past.  I only know that I'm still going to fight and not give IT the power that is the essence of my physical and spiritual self.