Just A Check In

Stats:

Height 5"4'
Weight 146.0 (-3.0)

BMI 25.1 (-.5, Overweight - just barely)
Dress Size: 10/12

Bust  33 in

Waist 31 in (-1)

Hips 38 in (-1)

Ironically the changes were positive even though (for the very first time this whole year) I logged in absolutely no exercise.  I also didn't have any kind of healthy eating or count calories either.  I think the only reason my numbers went down is because I found out some upsetting news at work on Friday and for the next couple of days I was too depressed to eat more than the "bare minimum".

But this week I feel "back in the saddle" and got back into my regular routine this morning (might as well take advantage of these lower numbers and see if I can push them further and get back on track)!  The last two weeks have been filled with countless summer parties and home projects.  I think things are starting to settle down now.

Periods. They Matter, Apparently.

Stats:

Height 5"4'
Weight 149.0 (+2.4)

BMI 25.6 (+.4, Overweight)
Dress Size: 10/12

Bust  33 in

Waist 32 in (+1)

Hips 39 in (+1)

Well... I knew it would be a bad week because we had four, count 'em, FOUR parties/events to attend.  Also I had a birthday too.  No cake, but I do know I made up for it with many other vices.  I still kept to exercising.  Every single day I *started* counting calories, but by dinnertime when it became obvious I would go over I just kind of gave up.

Sunday mornings are my weigh ins, and of course I weighed in to discover I had just gone up all around.  But even after the sobering fact I still couldn't find the strength to fight the appetite I suddenly had that could easily rival somene doing bath salts.  Seriously I wanted to eat anything that didn't eat me first... and it wasn't over depression or upset about my weight gain.  It was just there.  What I was really just dying for all day was American cheese and chocolate.  It made no sense... it was like being pregnant all over again.  I also shamefully spent the majority of Father's Day screaming like an old harpy at my husband simply because he was just... annoying!  And then Sunday evening... bam!  Aunt Flo shows up for a visit.  Oh...

I always read on weight loss blogs about periods coming along to muck up the usual progress and I always thought to myself, "Do they really matter that much?"  Yes.  They do.  And not just because it really could be water weight gain putting that extra inch on the hips and waist.  I mean... come on... American cheese and chocolate?

Since I've had my tubes tied I've stopped keeping track of Flo's visits.  Well, I'm going to have to start again so that I know what I will be dealing with.

"Eat Your School" - A Check In

Stats:

Height 5"4'
Weight 146.6 (-0.3)

BMI 25.2 (Overweight...by 1 pound...Doh!)
Dress Size: 10/12

Bust  33 in

Waist 31 in (-1)

Hips 38 in

Despite the slight loss and getting my waist back to its "mostly normal" measurement of 31, last week was kind of rough.  I made a pretty good effort to exercise my butt off but I also couldn't seem to control the urge to eat anything that didn't eat me first.  I put this cute-sy little picture above on this post because that is about how my logic feels lately.  Like I really would "eat a school", like I'm somehow using food as a drug again ('cause I certainly am), and I definitely have slacked off on the veggies!  It's like I've almost given myself back over to the addiction and I've been struggling with that for two months now.

And since the start of this week that has not improved.  I seem to have no control at all again and I'm not sure if I need another silly contest to motivate me, deep spiritual work, or... what?  I've been seriously practicing the whole "lifestyle change" for 6 months now.  In that time I've lost 15-19 pounds (I've been fluctuating up and down those last four pounds in these last two months).  A select few people I've heard about started this around the same time I did and they've lost about 40 pounds or so while I've been stuck.  Part of this is that I've been dealing with a crisis involving ugly court issues with my oldest child's father, but mostly its like I've just lost my motivation.  I don't know what to do just yet to get it back, but I do know I can't keep going this direction.

This week promises to be even more of a challenge.  I overate (beyond overate, actually) Sunday and Monday, and Wednesday is my birthday (which means a big dinner out and probably cake even though I have insisted on none).  What I especially seemed to be craving last week (and still am this week) was salt, salt, salt, and more salt.  I read recently if salt is what you crave then what your body is lacking is chloride and that you should eat stuff like goats milk, fish or unrefined sea salt.  I can't handle goat's milk and don't even know what unrefined sea salt is.  I do enjoy fish though, but it is almost never immediately available to me.  I wonder if cans of tuna would qualify?

Work In Process... Always

This morning I did my weekly weigh-in; I always do them on Sunday mornings.

Stats:

Height 5"4'
Weight 147.0
BMI 25.2 (Overweight)
Dress Size: 10/12

Bust  33 in

Waist 32 in

Hips 38 in

When I started this thing (6 months ago) I was steadily losing about a pound a week.  I was participating in a weight loss contest at work (that I won) but that ended mid-April.  Since then I haven't been staying steady at all.  I still lose weight, but then gain it back off and on every other week - so basically I am no longer losing but just maintaining.  Also I'd just barely gotten out of the "overweight" range, but (as you can see) all I have to do is put a couple pounds back on and I'm right back in it again.  I didn't think that silly contest was that big of a motivator but obviously it was.

But there's something else.  I've blogged recently (on my main blog) about an unfortunate issue in my past that has resurfaced (and that also happened around mid-April).  This issue has brought up a multitude of feelings repressed and hidden away for YEARS that I am now finally being forced to deal with.  And it hurts.  It hurts so very much.  I am dealing with this "death" all over again and right now it doesn't feel like I will ever find a way to heal my soul.  And my eating habits have been suffering.  I'm still exercising, and I'm still eating right too, but I'm having a lot more slip-ups with the eating.  I'm finding myself turning to cookies for comfort at times.  Not all the time... but the fact that it is happening at all is not good because #1 this is exactly how I dealt with this issue that has resurfaced back in the day (only with absolutely no control) and #2 I consider myself a food addict and anyone who is fighting addiction knows that (for example) one beer leads to, like... 15.

I don't know yet exactly how I'm supposed to heal from this pain of the past.  I only know that I'm still going to fight and not give IT the power that is the essence of my physical and spiritual self.

It Officially Summer! Progress Report.

Ok, peeps... I have virtually no photo editing skills whatsoever, so please forgive the primitive before and after pics.

The left section was taken January 1, 2012.  162.4 lbs, 36 Bust,  35 Waist,  42 Hips

The right section was taken today, May 31, 2012   143.8 lbs, 33 Bust, 31 Waist, 38 Hips

My weight loss this year has been slow but steady.  What a difference almost 20 pounds has made!  I've dropped about 2 dress sizes, and just in these photos the differences in my arms, legs, and face is 100 % better!  Of course my stomach is the trouble area (three c-sections don't help!) but there is even a noticeable difference there.

The loss of just 20 lbs has also put me in a place I haven't seen since I became a mother: in the "normal" weight range, rather than "overweight" or "obese".

The trouble is that I've been resting on my laurels a little bit since I've made that milestone and therefore have been kind of stuck between 143-146 for about a month and a half. Before that I was steadily losing a pound every week.  I am still counting calories and exercising at least 200 minutes a week, but I definitely have slacked a lot and found myself trying to justify "just one cookie" or struggling to find the energy to do a 20 minute aerobics set.  I know I have made great progress, but I still have some work to do so its upward and onward I go!

I had successfully given up sodas (hadn't had one since December 31st) and then decided to have one little Dr. Pepper over the Memorial Day weekend.  The first few sips tasted like heaven... but not long after downing the can I felt my blood sugar spike and I felt like shit.  So I've gotten that soda fix out of my system now... I definitely haven't been "missing" much!  I never drank any more after that and haven't wanted to.  This was a huge victory for me because I was always a soda addict.  I was afraid if I ever drank one again I'd be back to drinking 2-4 a day again.  Not this time. :-)

So it's officially summer!  My two school aged kids' buses just rattled home and now I've got the challenge of fitting in my normal exercise schedule with three kids underfoot all day, every day, for three months.  I've come this far, so bring it on!

Self Deprecation - Too Underworld For Reality

I submitted these last summer for a weight loss blog that I followed then for a blog hop called "Why I Do This Here".  These were my reasons "why".  I don't have any kind of photo editing skills so they are kind of primitive.

 

I probably weigh about ten pounds less than these pictures now but the feelings are still pretty much the same.  I have more education on how to take care of myself better and have been doing so but I know I'm still a bit too focused on "the weight/the look" etc.                                                                          
Without even realizing it I think I may have stumbled onto a new approach.  In the past week or so I've been really drawn to Persephone.  Persephone is considered "the Goddess of Transformation" and I never really realized that so much of my life echoes her myth.  Persephone is a Goddess that has a type of dual nature.  There is the typical picture of her sort of wandering in an ethereal way through a field of flowers.  Perhaps because of this it is kind of overlooked that she is also the Goddess of the dead/the Underworld for part of the year.  And maybe it is sort of an odd way of looking at things, but as I was thinking of her story I realized that because she gave in and ate something that she really didn't want to eat she spends part of her life in darkness.  BUT she learns to accept her circumstances and even grows to appreciate them.  She doesn't constantly berate herself because of a decision that she made in her past that shaped her future differently than she would have seen it. 

"Persephone helps us humans understand the power of transformation. She inspires hope.  She comes out of the darkness into the light, and in doing so reminds us that darkness isn’t permanent and she is no longer afraid of the dark part of her life."

Yes, I have changes that I need to make and that I am making.  But I don't have to look at them through the "eyes of the Underworld" all the time.

Beginning Stats

I will soon write other posts of the spiritual aspect of weight loss and lifestyle change, or how I feel about any size being beautiful on any woman (except myself).  But for now...

So, About the Whole Fat n' Frumpy Thing
I can't even begin to describe my body image problem vs my relationship with food in just one sitting.  In the first 25 years of my life I never had to think about it or notice if there was a "relationship".  But as my life shifted from "Maiden" to "Mother" the relationship part of it all began to come into the forefront of my life, even as I attempted to repress it deep down.  But negativity tends to bubble under the surface like an over full landfill and it finally spewed outward for all (especially myself) to see.

From the age of 25 to now (almost 37) I have ranged anywhere from a size double 0 (no kidding) to a size 18 (uhm... what??).

Average dress size 0-3 up until age 25:

  

Average dress size 16-18 since being in my 30s:

 

I remember once during my early twenties I couldn't get a job I'd applied for because I couldn't lift 50 pounds on their physical. Yet "amazingly" by 2008 I was carrying 80-100 extra pounds around with me on my body every single day. When I hit the age of 28 I literally began to blow up like a blowfish. Actually at that time I'd been steadily gaining weight but since I was always about 30 pounds UNDERweight it really did go unnoticed.

A few months ago I was re-reading old journals from ten years ago.  Within those I ran across the sentence "I sit in my cubicle at work all day and just let my fat ass keep growing."  At that time I weighed 115-125 which is supposed to be my scientifically ideal weight for my body type.  But through most of my adult life before then I had weighed 90-100, so I knew I was gaining weight and I knew it was beginning to spiral out of control.  And while I was at least in the presence of mind to acknowledge or complain about it I was absolutely clueless on what to DO about it.  And sadly this was BEFORE motherhood. 

Then at the age 28 I had a job interview and realized that none of my professional attire was fitting. I borrowed a friend's pair of pants and was floored to realize that they were a size 12. My weight at this time was about 134 (which was definitely higher than I'd ever been but not noticeably terrible). I got that job, and it turned out to be one of the highest paying jobs I'd ever had but also the most stressful. And if there was a better way of coping with stress than a huge Dr. Pepper and a bag of donuts I didn't want to know about it! Two months into the job I became pregnant with my first child. I actually lost weight through the whole pregnancy (except for the eight pounds of baby). After I had her I reverted to my original 134 lbs. But in the next three years as I endured a lay off, a school venture gone horribly wrong, an insane list or marital problems that of course led to an eventual divorce, and financial ruin those 134 pounds jumped to 180 faster than you can fry a large order of chili cheese fries and chug a couple of cheap beers.

Flash forward to now. Since I've remarried and had two other babies since those last two photos I have managed to lose some weight.  But to be honest at first I wasn't even trying. Mostly it was because my income status has changed in the past few years (think borderline poverty level) and I can no longer to afford to eat out or fast food about 15-30 times a week (yes I did that)!

I have a couple of practical goals for wanting needing to shed some weight.  Of course I would like to lose weight and look better (i.e. lose the "pregnant" look).  But also I want to be in better shape and beat diabetes!  I'm not a Type 2 diabetic YET, but I had gestational diabetes with my last two pregnancies so its definitely coming in on the horizon.  Last year I attempted some running.  After running for literally ONE minute I was exactly like Homer Simpson on this one Simpsons episode where he ran a few feet and then he got so exhausted he collapsed on the ground barely able to breathe.  I "chase tornadoes" (the kids) all day, I work a very "manual labor" night job but I can't even run over 60 seconds?  LAME!

As far as goal weight?  I've got to be realistic.  If I see the underside of 148 (which I haven't seen in 7 years) then that would be great.  From there if I could make it back to 134 (pre-pregnancy weight) then cool beans.  If I could get to like 110 where I actually LIKED my body... well that would be awesome but I have to be realistic.  So for now I'd like to see 147.

So...
Short Term Goal = 15 lbs to be 147 (Met on 4/8/12) !
Mid Range Goal = 13 lbs to be 134
Final Fantasy Goal = 24 lbs to be 110

This would be a total of a 52 pound loss but again I am going with realistic as time shows what is possible.
============================
Before Pics, Jan 1, 2012:

   
My Beginning Stats ~ New Years Day 2012:

Height 5"4'
Weight 162. 4
BMI 27.8 (Overweight)
Dress Size: 16

Bust  36 in

Waist 35 in

Hips 42 in

Current Stats ~ May 1, 2012:

Height 5"4'
Weight 148.6
BMI 25.9 (Overweight)
Dress Size: 14

Bust  34 in

Waist 32 in

Hips 38 in

After Pics... Coming Soon...